Have You Had a Blood-Test, Dear

Tune: Cole Porter's "Let's Misbehave"

Have you had a blood-test, dear?
Then you should.
If it shows you're in the clear,
Well and good.
If it says you're positive, then I'm positive your specs
Do not meet my needs for casual sex.

We're all alone,
But Love has grown
Too full of dangers;
We're perfect strangers–
Let's both behave.

No escapades–
"This Thing Called AIDS"
Is too contagious.
I'm not courageous;
Let's both behave.

Although I used to be
A fairly free
Romancer,
When I was younger, dear,
My only fear
Was cancer.

But HIV's
The big disease,
Post-1980.
Let's not get matey;
Let's both behave!

It's tempting fate
To copulate
Without protection.
Why risk infection?
Let's both behave!

I feel quite sure
A bas l'amour
Should be our watchword;
When thoughts turn crotch-ward,
Let's both behave!

That some have even died,
Although they tried
A condom,
Disproves the theorem
Quod erat dem-
Onstrandum.

Some spiders just
Expire from lust,
And so do salmon.
Sex ain't backgammon!
Let's both behave!