As Someday I May Want a Subject Fit to Execute

Tune: Arthur Sullivan's "I've Got a Little List," from "The Mikado"

As some day I may want a subject fit to execute,
I've got a little list—I've got a little list
Of society offenders who are held in disrepute,
And who never would be missed—who never would be missed!
There's the movie palace patron with the intermittent cough;
The pest who owns a PDA and never turns it off;
The diner who is less than prompt at reaching for the check;
The broker who promotes a stock because it ends in "-tech";
And women in department stores who fill your lungs with mist—
I rather doubt the mist is likely to be missed!

He's got 'em on the list—he's got 'em on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed—they'll none of 'em be miss'd!

There's the amateur who tries to beat the Master at his game,
The Gilbertian parodist—I've got him on the list;
And the chap who thinks he knows your face, but can't recall your name—
He never would be miss'd—he never would be miss'd!
Then the pesky telemarketer who calls you during meals;
The invalid who tells you how his upper colon feels;
And the fellow in the Underground who offers you a seat
And, as soon as you are seated, drops his briefcase on your feet;
And the interfering spouse who always interrupts your tryst—
I don't think she'd be missed—I'm sure he'd not be missed!

He's got her on the list—he's got him on the list;
And he don't think she'll be missed—he's sure he won't be miss'd!

Then that gentleman who recently has dropped a brick or two—
The Al Qaeda terrorist—I've got him on the list;
The fools who voice opinions when they haven't got a clue—
They never would be miss'd—they never would be miss'd!
The enthusiastic golfer who remembers every stroke,
But can never quite remember how to tell that funny joke;
And spineless politicians who are low on moral grit—
Conservative or liberal, it matters not a whit;
And the snob who thinks that Sullivan's inferior to Liszt—
You may take his precious Liszt and stick it in—the list!

You may put 'em on the list—you may put 'em on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed—they'll none of 'em be missed!