I am the Very Model of a Television Journalist

Tune: Arthur Sullivan's "I am the Very Pattern of a Modern Major General," from "The Pirates of Penzance"

The Journalist.

I am the very model of a television journalist:
My point of view is insular; my politics, internalist.
Although a bit perfunctory with Commie demagoguery,
I shine at exposés of penny-ante pettifoggery;
Instead of gauging odds against a European holocaust,
I'd rather be reporting what the movie Marco Polo cost;
I squander thirty seconds on a pestilence in Pakistan—[bus.]
And budget seven minutes for a photograph of Jackie's tan.

When I was only ten, my dying mother made me promise I'd
Refuse to cover Congress, when confronted with a homicide;
And that's why I'm an insular, inflexibly internalist,
Unmitigated model of a television journalist.

The Executive.

I am the very pattern of a network chief executive:
I've only two ideas, and they're frankly not consecutive.
The first of these is violence, a thing we only simulate;
The other one is T and A, but not enough to stimulate.
I don't air documentaries or other esoterica,
But you can watch the Oscars and the race for Miss America:
Your kids'll learn humility and grace from the Academy—[bus.]
And watching Miss America will teach 'em their anademy.

The F.C.C.'s unshakably persuaded that the nation'll
Be better off with me to make the airwaves educational,
So I've a third idea (and it's also not consecutive)
That I'm the very pattern or a network chief executive.

The Viewer.

I am the very type of ratings-sample representative:
In terms of evolution, my intelligence is tentative.
I'm chosen by the Nielsen boys to keep a viewing chronicle,
Because my chin's receding and my cranium is conical.
Executives and journalists exhibit fitting deference
By structuring their programs to accommodate my preference;
The sponsors bust their chops to charm my occiput of ivory—[bus.]
An enterprise that dooms them all to lives of nine-to-fivery.

For should they ever hesitate to pander to vulgarity,
They'll all become recipients of governmental charity.
My judgment is conclusive, though my intellect is tentative,
And that's why I'm the type of ratings-sample representative.