Stop the Presses!

Tune: Irving Berlin's "Alexander's Ragtime Band"

Stop the presses!
Stop the presses!
Seen the paper? Well, take a gander.
Sleazy pieces;
Press releases;
Incivility—
Imbecility.
Innuendo
In crescendo:
That's the substance of Alexander's
Scumbag
News rag—
It's a Beacon of Truth!

You oughta buy,
You oughta try
Alexander's small-time rag.
The yellow press
Is under stress—
See our circulation sag.
Watch The Daily Bugle sell
Bits of Michael Jackson porn,
Au naturel
As the day that he was born—
Ain't he enough to make you gag?
(The scalawag!)
We just report—
We don't distort.
(On occasion, though, we brag.)
We're very deft
At leaning left,
But we sometimes wave the flag.
Unless you want the Mainstream Media
Replaced by weblogs,
Ya better buy,
Ya better try
Alexander's small-time rag!