Is It True, If It Says Ipse Dixit?

Tune: Irving Caesar's, Gerald Marks's and Sammy Lerner's "Is It True What They Say About Dixie?"

Is it true, if it says ipse dixit?
Is it false, if it's not Q.E.D.'d?
Did Caesar only flatten
Illiterates in Gaul,
Because he fought in Latin,
Not proto-Provençal?
Does it help, using sound bites from Virgil
As a crutch
For a much
Lamer screed?
Well, the hic
Takes a haec
When the hoc-um starts to flow,
So I guess that it must be so.

Alternate-but-not-any-better substitute for lines 3-6:

When we kowtow to Caesar,
Why do it with such grace—
Because he said, "divisa
All Gaul in partes tres"?