"Jeanne d'Arc"

Tune: Gus Edwards's "By the Light of the Silvery Moon"

"Jeanne d'Arc,"
You snark;
"Fractured French for 'going to the loo.'"
Don't josh!
My gosh,
What's a weekend guest supposed to do?
How can
This man
Piddle, in the middle of the night?
Worse luck!
I'm stuck
Coping with my cellphone light.

By the light
Of my cellular 'phone,
I seek that throne,
And it's making me moan and groan:
All alone,
I must brave The Unknown;
Without much hope,
I blindly grope,
Till the battery's blown
On my cellular 'phone.

Oh, boy—
What joy!
Found the john, and didn't come to grief.
At last,
I've passed.
(Can you tell me how to spell relief?)
Tiptoe,
I go—
Off to hit the ever-lovin' sack.
One glitch—
Slight hitch—
How in hell do I get back?

By the light
Of my cellular 'phone
(Think: Twilight Zone),
I continue to moan and groan.
Night has flown,
And I'm chilled to the bone.
I'd hit the hay,
But, if I stray,
I could find myself prone
With a prissy old crone,
Like my hostess's Great-
Aunt
Joan.