Where the Heck is the Higgs?

Tune: 1st Lt. Edmund L. Gruber's, Lt. William Bryden's and Lt. Robert Danford's "Caisson Song"
(see http://www.ibtimes.com/higgs-boson-god-particle-lhc-tevatron-physicists-eye-breakthrough-months-819017)

Where the heck is the Higgs?
It bewilders all the Bigs,
But the boson can nowhere be found.
Is it large? Is it small?
Does the thing exist at all?
'Cause the boson can nowhere be found.

Both the LHC
And the Tevatron agree:
That blip was never there before!
But that one brief spark—
Was it just a quirky quark,
Or the boson of legend and lore?
Or the boson of legend and lore?