I'd Pontificate for Hours

Tune: Harold Arlen's "If I Only Had a Brain"

I.
I'd pontificate for hours
On Francis Gary Powers
And keep 'em all agog;
I'd be wise, I'd be witty,
And be sittin' awful pretty—
If I only had a blog.

If my fans were fond o' drinkin',
I'd do some hyper-linkin'
To recipes for grog;
I'd debate Terri Schiavo,
Pick the best Hawaii Five-O—
If I only had a blog.

Profound
Is how I'd sound,
Like Captain James T. Kirk!
I would sit 'n' shoot my mouth off like a jerk—
And do it all
While I'm at work.

After soundin' off on cloning,
I'd spend some time bemoaning
The market price of POG;
There'd be just one opinion
In my private e-dominion—
If I only had a blog.

II.
Now, my personal computer:
Perhaps it could be cuter,
And maybe not so black.
I'd be "cute-saturated"
And be color-c'ordinated—
If I only had a Mac.

I'd have gigabytes of power
Without the phallic tower
(I'd ship the sucker back);
And I'd sit there and giggle
At that button with the squiggle—
If I only had a Mac.

I'd tell
The boys at Dell
To go to Hellespont;
Now that Apple satisfied my every want,
I would be King—
Of Stowe, Vermont.

I would haunt the secret loft where
They sell their special software
For lots and lots of jack.
I'd be bitch-slapped by Apple
Like an altar-boy at chapel—
If I only had a Mac.