On a Pestilent Day Like Today

Tune: Leslie Bricusse's and Anthony Newley's "A Wonderful Day Like Today"

On a pestilent day like today,
I expect to contract some contagious disease—
Lock myself out after losing my keys,
On this social-disease-ridden day.

On a cancerous morning like this,
When the sun is a big melanoma machine,
Nothing can spare us the mujahideen
Metaphoric'ly bombing our bris.

On a morning like this, I'm so piss-poor in spirit,
I'll probably end the day dead;
You may argue I won't, but I don't want to hear it;
Forget it, guys—I realize
I shoulda stood in bed.

If I seem incoherent, okay—
That's the price that you pay for a really good grouch.
Deep in my heart is a feeling of ouch;
I'm the star of my own Russian play,
On a pestilent day like today.

On a morning like this, the Abyss lies below me;
It patiently waits for my fall.
I'd appeal to the gods, but the odds are, they know me—
The likelihood that I'm in good
Is vanishingly small.

I would fall on my soup-bones and pray,
But the spark in my soul has completely gone out;
Ravenous dingoes are prowling about—
I no longer can keep them at bay,
On a pestilent day—
On a scrofulous day—
On a gut-wrenching, gastrointestinal day like today.
Oy vey!