When a Felon's Finished Plying His Employment

Tune: Arthur Sullivan's "A Policeman's Lot is Not a Happy One," from "The Pirates of Penzance"

The Hanging Judge.

When a felon's finished plying his employment—his employment,
Then I fricassee his hide with flaming words—flaming words,
Till he understands exactly what the boy meant—what the boy meant
Who said, "This burning deck is for the birds—for the birds!"
I castigate the crook for his transgression—his transgression,
When judiciary's duty's to be done—to be done.
I'll say this much for the criminal profession—'nal profession:
It arouses my sadistic sense of fun.
Oh!
When judiciary duty's to be done—to be done,
It arouses my sadistic sense of fun—sense of fun.

When I find an irresponsible defendant—'ble defendant
(Who's responsible, however, for a crime—for a crime),
With formal pomp, in flowing robes resplendent—robes resplendent,
I clap him in the clink to do some time—do some time.
But the pokey turns defendants into rowdies—into rowdies
Who vow to fill my carcass full of lead—full of lead.
Like a Jew who sleeps among a gang of Saudis—gang of Saudis,
I'm afraid that someday soon I'll wake up dead.
Oh!
As they vow to fill my carcass full of lead—full of lead,
I'm afraid that someday soon I'll wake up dead—wake up dead.

The Bleeding Heart.

The garrotter who attacks you on the highway—on the highway
Is a pitiable thing, when rightly viewed—rightly viewed;
How I wish that Justice Rehnquist saw it my way—saw it my way,
Instead of being such a jurisprude—jurisprude!
Society at large is truly guilty—truly guilty,
When judiciary duty's to be done—to be done;
So to keep the mood from getting stern or stilty—stern or stilty,
I embrace the blackguard as I would my son.
Oh!
When judiciary duty's to be done—to be done,
I embrace the blackguard as I would my son—would my son.

The appeals from nisi prius controversy—controversy
Are the means by which I draw my monthly check—monthly check.
I always temper Justice, though, with Mercy—though, with Mercy,
So Justice always gets it in the neck—in the neck.
Stressing Mercy makes the victims vitriolic—vitriolic,
So, though my job is jam and gingerbread—gingerbread,
I can never find excuse for fun and frolic—fun and frolic:
I'm afraid that someday soon I'll wake up dead.
Oh!
Even though my job is jam and gingerbread—gingerbread,
I'm afraid that someday soon I'll wake up dead—wake up dead.