We Cough Up Green to Some Spalpeen

Tune: John Redmond's, James Cavanaugh's and Frank Weldon's "Christmas in Killarney"

We cough up green to some spalpeen—
The prices he charges are quite obscene.
If Christmas is malarkey,
Here's one of the reasons why.

The Lord deplores department stores'
Soliciting tricks like a pack of whores.
When Santa pimps, we catch a glimpse
Of one of the reasons why.

The tacky decorations;
The "counter-fitted" cheer;
The bills we pay, and pay, and pay
Throughout the coming year.

We crab 'n' cuss 'n' fight 'n' fuss,
Forgetting the Trinity's love for us.
If Christmas is malarkey,
We know the reason why;
And as for sounding snarky,
I don't even have to try.